All in a Second

All in a second.

I knelt before the setting sun, my breath cut off, my body ravaged by lightning. I had regrets but no time to speak them…no time to think through them all. I knew I would die. I had drained my Force power by attempting to sever the Force power of the three Dark Hunters who faced me. In that, I had failed—one survived my attempt, but my own Force connection did not. And it was my own stubborn persistence that had brought me to this place.

I have regrets. Many regrets. But it is too late to speak them now.

Jarayim, I wish this hadn’t happened. I have hurt you, I know, in expecting you to act beyond the maturity of your years. I have hurt you in placing my goals, my hunt for the Descendant of Zaul, in front of training you. I have hurt you in treating you as an asset rather than as what you are—a young man searching for his purpose in life. Training you to Knighthood should have been my first aim, but I set that aside for what I counted more important in life. Most recently, I have hurt you by commanding that you stay behind while I faced the Dark Hunters on my own. I gave you hope by my actions and then tore it down in one abrupt command. I used your skills as an edge on which to hone my power with no intention of letting you risk your life as I risk mine. For all I have done wrong towards you, I am sorry. I wish I could say that. But my own blindness has led me to this precipice, and you and I both will suffer the consequences of my choices. To give one’s life in sacrifice is the greatest gift anyone can give—but in this case, my sacrifice is not a gift. It is a curse that will hound me beyond the grave, because I was wrong…and I am sorry, but it is too late to say that now.

Kyra. My friend from youth. I did not intend to die. I hurt you by commanding that you stay behind while I faced the Dark Hunters on my own. As I search my heart, I see I was not protecting you through that command. I saw only your dark side, the dark side I have seen many times as we fought together with Nariel, Drad, Nols, Vern, Master Trayon, and the rest against Jagt, Zane, Vengus, Cadoras, Falkor…I saw only your dark side. I set aside what I knew of your choices, back when you renounced the Dark Side and broke the power of Falkor’s mask. I set that aside and chose to look instead on your wrongdoing and rebellion. You sought mercy, and I extended you none. I chose to trust in my own power rather than accept your heartfelt cry for mercy. I crushed you because I thought you unworthy. For that, I am sorry…but it is too late to say that now.

Cald…losing two Masters to the Sith will be painful for you. Weeks ago, I heard your hopes, your dreams, your desires, as you shared your willingness to become a Jedi Saboteur against the Sith. I looked beyond my knowledge of your maturity and cast my eyes upon your youth and your recklessness in the Koros War instead. I refused your request. I see now that you would have made a fine saboteur in the ranks of the enemy. Your heart and soul are pure light, and your youth is what gives you your enthusiasm for justice and your desire for the downfall of the Sith. Yet I looked only upon your weaknesses and refused your request because of that. I am sorry. I wish I could have told you that. But it is too late to say that now.

And to the One whom I have been searching for…I do not deserve the title of Master of the Force. That should belong only to you. I am sorry. I am dark. I look only upon people’s weaknesses and consider them worthless because of those weaknesses. I use people as a stepping stool to achieve my own purposes and put my own goals in front of theirs. I destroy the hope I have falsely placed in their hearts. I am judgemental. I am selfish. I am not worthy of the name Jedi. I am dark. Forgive me, O Master of the Force. My spirit cries out for mercy, the mercy I have not given. I am sorry…but is it too late to say that now?

All in a second…as darkness strangled my consciousness.

Tarmys Darumar

Jedi Master