The Rule of Two

This does not pertain strictly to the CaC2 battle, but, as it is a Star Wars story around this time, I decided to post it.

I wrote this for a competition of a writing club of which I am now the president. Here it is, for your enjoyment.

  Darth Rovat strode into the kitchen and suddenly staggered back, overcome by the heat of the room. He looked around, genuinely surprised. Within the stinkingly hot room, several of his Sith associates worked at various things. Cooking, baking, washing and drying dishes—all these things were being undertaken by the dark-clad Masters of the Dark Side.

  To the left, Darth Sydan, the horned Zabrak Lord, stirred ingredients in a large mixing bowl with a thick wooden spoon, sneaking licks of the pasty white blend inside when no one was looking. At the opposite side of the room, the young Darth Bane hacked and coughed, trying to open an oven from which black smoke poured. Near Darth Sydan, Darth Tyephal juggled eggs and used the Force to smash them over Darth Sydan’s mixing bowl, causing the Zabrak Sith Lord to cast him a look of irritation. In the far right corner, Darth Korr, Bane’s master, iced a huge, wobbling cake with white icing and dotted it with bright red strawberries. Darth Hykris, one of the oldest Sith still alive, washed dishes in a massive silver sink, steam rising from the boiling hot water inside. Hykris looked somewhat bored with his occupation, and was using the Force to animate a tray of uncooked gingerbread men, using them in a mock battle. The gingerbread figures fought with candy canes of lightsaber colours.

  By Rovat’s mischievous design, a strawberry from Darth Korr’s cake flew through the air and lodged in Darth Tyephal’s mouth. Tyephal chewed and swallowed, and then saw Rovat manipulating the movement of a second strawberry, this one covered with white creamy icing. The strawberry hit Tyephal full on the nose, sticking to him and sending its payload of icing all over his face. As Rovat snickered, Darth Tyephal spluttered and picked up Darth Sydan’s mixing bowl, sending it flying on the wings of the Force to a resting position over Rovat’s hooded head.

  Darth Rovat acted quickly. Propelling the bowl back towards Tyephal, he tipped the bowl towards the Sith Lord’s face. Only a fast movement on the part of Tyephal saved him from being splattered. He thrust the mixing container forward with the Force as the first droplets of mixture began to drip from the capsizing edge.

  It saved Tyephal, but not Darth Sydan. The irate Zabrak Sith Lord jerked the bowl off his head and threw it onto the ground, sticky mix running down his face and black robes. Darth Korr’s project rose off the counter without warning and slammed into Tyephal’s back, covering the Sith Lord with cream, icing, strawberries and cake.

  Twelve eggs levitated from a cardboard holder and smashed like blaster shots on Darth Rovat’s robes one at a time. Darth Korr emptied Darth Hykris’s tray of gingerbread men and stuck them to Darth Sydan’s head with blobs of icing from his icing bowl. Furious, Darth Sydan retaliated by emptying the bowl of the remaining icing over Darth Korr’s head and then sticking a strawberry on the very top of the Sith Lord’s black hood.

  A shing was heard and instantly all of the Sith Lords save for Darth Hykris and Darth Bane ducked. Shiningly clean knives, dried by the Force, hovered over the head of the dishes washer, and sped towards all the other combatants in the food fight. The buzzing ignition of lightsabers drowned out all other noise, and five red blades swirled and spun through the air, melting the knives sent by the Sith Lord Darth Hykris. As one, the four food-splattered Sith stepped toward the wielder of the dishes.

  Seeing his immediate peril, Hykris flung clean kitchen plates with deadly accuracy at the approaching Sith Lords. Again, the red lightsabers whirled, and the plates fell in shards to the ground. A bag of flour suddenly dumped itself over the head of Hykris, and the formerly dark figure now appeared like a white ghost, blinking in disbelief as the glowing blades of red lightsabers came to rest near his neck.

  Abruptly, the four splattered Sith, Tyephal, Sydan, Rovat and Korr, drew back, victim to a blast of cold air, and turned. Darth Bane, manipulating the freezer door with one hand, used the other to send packages of frozen meats and vegetables at the five other Sith. One hit Sydan, freezing instantly to the gingerbread men on his head, and stayed there. Another fell prey to the blade of Darth Tyephal, but the next thudded into the hand of Darth Korr, making him drop his lightsaber with a howl. Korr’s red blade dimmed and turned off automatically. A package of rabbit mince unwrapped itself, the plastic winding around Darth Hykris’s head, the meat going down Darth Rovat’s shirt. The instigator of the fight shrieked, for the rabbit mince was freezing cold against his skin, and he pulled it out and sent it back at Bane. Furious, the five Sith charged at Bane, four of them wielding lightsabers. In response, Darth Bane ignited two double-bladed laser swords and waited for his opponents to reach him.

  And now, readers, we will pull a curtain over the ensuing scene. It is suffice to say that Darth Bane was the only survivor. In response to the great food fight of the Sith Lords, Bane instigated the Rule of Two, which states that only two Sith may be alive at any given time—a master, and an apprentice.

This, my friends, is the true, firsthand account of the Rule of Two’s origin.

Dmitri Pendragon

Blog Moderator